Carnations and the drifting smell of candy

So I was raised in a family that doesn't really look too highly on Valentine's Day. This has rubbed off on me and so my boyfriend and I didn't do anything. I did go to Walgreens and they gave me a carnation. It's currently in my fish's fish bowl and he seems to like it since he swims around the stem like a damned fool. I helped out at work and the kids got a Valentine's party, little first graders with sugar. Uh oh. Actually it turned out pretty good. After work I went to tutor this guy, and found I really had no energy to tutor him. I made him do a few things and then just gave up and flopped onto his bed and stared at his ceiling as he did some work. Towards the end of it he fell on his bed next to me and we talked about these issues that have presented themselves to me. You see, I have been really down lately. I don't know why I'm writing this to a blog of people who probably don't care or don't understand. However, maybe it's better that way. I don't really feel like I have a reason to do anything lately. It's as if this dark cloud has drifted over me and refuses to go away. I've probably stretched myself too thin with all the things I am doing. With school, working by helping my mom, tutoring and then not to mention the chores in the house since it seems that some of my family members cannot function enough to do anything. I hope to take more pictures soon so that I can put them up here, lets hope I find time to do so. Anyway, Valentines day is over, and the promise of sickly sweets is passing and the smell of babies breath is finding its way around. Thank God I only have a carnation. :)

Disco lights dancing in my mind

So there are a lot of things going through my head. My sister and I are two different people, and she moved out of here, and it seems that since she's gone I have developed into a more girly person. I actually put on makeup, and want to buy cute clothes. I think while she was here I felt it wasn't worth trying to put on makeup or anything because there was already one of us doing it. I know it's probably wrong to think so, but I do. Next I had a hard time understanding my Chemistry this week and went to see the teacher who was amazingly patient and helpful. I joined a German course in my college. Hopefully that will help me with my writing and then I can translate into German without feeling too insecure about spelling it wrong. I have to admit that sometimes when I sit at college alone and find that no one is there with me that I feel lonely. It's not something that I can help. I had a "friend" who said he would meet me quite a few times, but he stood me up each and every time. Now he won't respond to my texts. Hames says it's because I'm mean to him. I guess that's true. However, I can't help it, that guy just brings out my mean personality. I've been drawing again to try and keep my mind off of things. Sadly it hasn't helped much. I still feel like I'm alone and I don't see the point in doing anything because it seems that nothing matters. Gosh I sound emo. It may be my period talking HAHA! I've been talking to Hames' mother. She's really nice. Frighteningly so actually since I'm used to my mom who doesn't really associate with me, and so I can't help but be envious of him. I should probably stop here before I get more depressed. Below are the drawings I have done so far.

 Above is Alice the Angel

 Above is Jeana the Bookworm

 Above is Lys (pronounced Lies) the Playful

Above is Lys (pronounced Lies) the Lonely

Shooting Stars

So I was reminded today about a memory that I hadn't thought about in a long time. This one Christmas my Opa and I were the last ones to return home after church because we visited my Dad's grave together. As we reached the bottom of the steps my Opa looked up at the night sky and I could see a small smile form on his face. He then pointed up at the sky and I looked up and it was a sight from a movie. Shooting stars everywhere. My Opa then asked me if I made a wish and I told him no. He grunted at that (his chuckle) and he told me that it was hard to make wishes because you had to make your wish from the time you see it and have your wish done and said three times before it vanished. I looked at him and said that it was impossible to do that. He smiled and shook his head and I asked him if he made a wish and he nodded. I then asked him how he did that and he looked at me with wise eyes and said that to make a wish that quickly it has to be in your heart and then it will go without saying.

I think that's a nice bit of wisdom. I can't see my family as much as I would like because of the distance between America and Germany but when I spend time with them the memories cannot be replaced. I love my family.

Strawberry Hikes, and Schoolyard Smoothies.

What nails should I do next? Kiwi, Watermelon, Orange, any other suggestions are welcome :)

Life

There are so many people out there that feel the need to just vanish. I belong to those people. I teeter totter on that thin line. The thing that keeps me from falling is my family and friends. I don't know what I would do without them. However, these past two years I have had to face a truth that still scares me. My Opa is not in the best health. He keeps saying that he might die soon. He is a lot of pain and can't really walk anymore. He can get a surgery but his doctors said that he only had a 10% chance of survival if he got the surgery. I know death is a factor in life, but I don't want to lose anyone in my family. I'm not sure what I would do without them. They're the reason I'm still here. My Opa gave up his farm when my father died. He said that my sister and I needed a father figure. He stepped up, and gave up a lot. Then we were dragged to the USA. Far away from home, and we left behind a lot. My sister moved back home after she graduated, but I can't do that. I know my chances of success are better in the US. I get funding for school, and a lot of things. I know the language and laws better. I can write in English. But every time we go home it gets harder to get on that plane. It's this fear of knowing that maybe when I'm back that there will be one less person waiting for me. I love my family.

I love my crazy dreams

So I highly doubt any of this will make sense but I just had to type it so that I remembered it in the morning. Okaaaay.

There was something going on to where I thought this guy was dead (wasn't sure if he was my husband or what exactly) and so I was sad and all as I should be in normal circumstances but a few years later this guy comes and he shows  me his hideout and obviously I'm furious with him. He thought he closed his door but he didn't and so more people from town came into his hideout (which was on a cliff at one side. His hideout went through a mountain) and as more people came in I found this guy that I had been talking to for a while. I said hi and we talked and I was asked to turn on the fan. So I did and it was set to 40MPH and the platform started turning (above the cliff and to where I was hanging off) and so I called out that I was going to fall but no one helped me. That was until my friend came and grabbed me just as I couldn't hold on anymore. He pulled me back inside just as the blade turned towards us. Once safely inside he gave me his jacket and told me to be more careful. I thanked him and then the guy who had been missing for years stormed over in an angry huff pushing my friend away and asking why I was talking to him and I got upset and told him that my friend was better than him because he would have just let me die and my friend saved my life. I then looked at the table where my friend was sitting amongst people rubbing his arms. I took off his jacket and held it out to him thanking him and telling him I had a spare jacket. He took his back with a smile. 

End 

(Stupid cats woke me up)

A little old

A little Camera Fun

So I made sure I put my logo on all of these and I have to admit they turned out a lot better than I had thought they would. Thank you to Hames :)